The dangers of legislators having to report sex with lobbyists

It appears one legislator thinks that lobbyists are giving Missouri's elected officials more than meals and sports tickets.

HB 2059, filed by Rep. Bart Korman, R-High Hill, would require lobbyists to list sex with legislators as a gift:

For purposes of subdivision (2) of this subsection, the term “gift” shall include sexual relations between a registered lobbyist and a member of the general assembly or his or her staff. Relations be tween married persons or between persons who entered into a relationship prior to the registration of the lobbyist, the election of the member to the general assembly, or the employment of the staff person shall not be reportable under this subdivision. The reporting of sexual relations for purposes of this subdivision shall not require a dollar valuation.
The bill fails to specify how the lobbyist would report the sexual relationship. Suppose the lobbyist is representing Monsanto (the agricultural giant, not the Chicago Cubs Hall of Fame third baseman), Ameristar Casino, and the payday loan company Advance America.

Would the lobbyist have to declare that the sex was done to benefit one of the clients individually, or could he or she declare that 35 percent of the sex should be credited to Monsanto, 35 percent to Ameristar Casino, and 30 percent Advance America?

Or could the reportable actions be divvied up in other ways? Could the Missouri Bankers Association pay for the drinks, Empire District Electric Company for the room, and then the sex (which the bill says has no value) be credited to the Missouri Chamber of Commerce?

And wouldn't sex have to be defined for our elected officials? After all, these are people who are having to undergo training this year because they apparently did not realize that it was wrong to have sex with interns.

Would kissing have to be reported? Would the acts that we used to refer to as "heavy petting" be included and would they have to be reported as such? It is easy to imagine one of our representatives standing before the TV cameras and saying "I did not have sexual relations with that lobbyist, Miss (Fill in Name).

And why should this apply only to those who are currently registered as lobbyists? We might as well cover all of our bases and require that anyone who has sex with a representative or senator be required to register as a lobbyist.

Senators on the prowl should be required to tell the objects of their affection that if they touch in a certain way, they will have to report it to the Missouri Ethics Commission.

And while we are on this ethics kick, something should be done about those legislators who are term limited. If we want a law that keeps them from immediately returning to Jefferson City as lobbyists, then we should also make them wait two years before they can have sex with one of their former colleagues.

Even more importantly, how will it be reported if the end result of lobbyists having sex with a legislator is that the legislators ends up screwing the taxpayers?

Would that mean we would all have to register as lobbyists?