Philippians 1:27a (NIV)
My mother always had an answer when a friend was mean in elementary school. I would ride the bus home, wait for her on the front step, and share my heartbreak before she could get out of the car.
I would announce through tears that a friend whispered I was so skinny I looked like Popeye’s girlfriend Olive Oil or another declared at lunch that my dress looked like a really old wrinkled sack.
But she would reply “There will always be mean girls who say or do something unkind. When a girl is mean, picture her naked with a wart on her nose. Then smile and forgive her. Tomorrow will be better.
Just remember how this feels so you never treat anyone like you have been treated.” That was great advice – well, maybe except for the “picture her” part. But it did cause me to smile, forgive and move on. And yes, apologies were given, friendships healed and tomorrows were once again hopeful and happy.
However, in today’s world, the definition of “mean girl” has taken on a whole new dimension. A “mean girl” is a bully focused on randomly attacking a girl verbally, emotionally, mentally or even physically with the goal of humiliating her.
It’s not because of something bad that the target has done, which would still not make it okay. No one deserves to be bullied by a “mean girl.” Simply put, the attack is done “just because.” Need examples?
“I can’t believe anybody who sees you would actually vote for YOU for homecoming queen!” (spoken to a queen candidate) “Your teeth are so big; you look like a horse when you smile.” (spoken to a girl with beautiful straight teeth) “You dress like a ----- every day at school.” (shouted by a group to a girl wearing a new pair of jeans) Those are the least offensive comments that can be shared and are almost always followed up with a smile and “just kidding.” But they are not.
Today’s “mean girl” longs to be popular and has a following either frightened of her or wanting to emulate her. She is not afraid to attack face to face but feels empowered with a group backing her, whispering and glancing at a girl to give the impression they are talking about her. They may play jokes on her in front of peers to make her look – and feel – belittled and embarrassed. And they never apologize for their behavior.
Perhaps the opposite occurs. A girl is totally ignored by her friends, like she is invisible. And this does not even address bullying on Facebook or Snapchat, where a person can remain anonymous and say whatever they want with no way to be held accountable.
Now before you say “but there has always been bullying in some form so girls just need to toughen up,” there is a difference in todays “mean girl” bullying: she fully intends to inflict pain and cause heartache on her target. And she is not content until she feels she has accomplished just that. And one more fact: mean girls are everywhere. In your daughter’s classes at school, at her favorite place to eat, even in her church youth group.
So what can your daughter do when a “mean girl” decides to focus on her? She basically has two choices: she can focus on what the world says (Get even no matter what it takes.) or she can focus on the Word. (Jesus never retaliated against anyone attacking Him.) Is there a solution that will cause the bullying to stop completely? Sadly, no. But there ARE some things that your daughter can do to create a perspective of mercy toward the “mean girl” and hopefully, in the process, affect the attitude of the bully. Consider the following:
First, pray with your daughter: for courage and strength and wisdom to address the girl who is mean; for a change of heart for whoever is bullying her. What the mean girl says and does reflects her heart, not your daughter’s.
Second, encourage your daughter to step away from the friendship, either temporarily or permanently. Talk to the bully gently but firmly: “I would never talk to you or treat you like you are treating me. Friends don’t do that to each other. So for now I am going to step away from our friendship, and if we can’t fix it, then it needs to end.”
Third, if the person is not a friend, have your daughter consider having a teacher or principal present as she talks with her: “I do not know why you are treating me like you are but I would never treat you that way. My parents know about it and I want my teacher/principal to know that it is going on and it needs to stop.”
Fourth, remind your daughter to forgive the “mean girl.” That does not mean that she has to hang around with her again. But Jesus commands (not suggests) that we forgive those who have harmed us.
We will never be able to keep our daughters from encountering a “mean girl” from time to time in their lives. But choosing to respond with forgiveness and compassion will guard their hearts and help them to be an example of Jesus to those being mean.
Father, please help me to teach my daughter to be an example of the love Jesus had toward those who are mean. Please give her strength, courage and wisdom. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
R.A.P. it up . . .
Reflect
· Has your daughter ever been the target of a “mean girl”?
· If so, what was your first response when she told you?
Apply
· Pray for the heart of the one who has been a “mean girl” to your daughter.
· Follow the suggestions given on handling a “mean girl.”
Power
· Philippians 1:27a (NIV) “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”
· Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV) “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
· I Corinthians 16:14 (NIV) “Do everything in love.”
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