Sunday, March 22, 2020

Message to Missouri legislators- Forget the prescription drug registry, we need a toilet paper registry

Missouri has received consistently low marks for its stubborn refusal, despite the overwhelming popularity of the idea, to implement a prescription drug registry to combat the opioid crisis.

Though the prescription drug registry idea is once again before the legislature this session, with the advent of the COVID-19 emergency perhaps we need to turn our attention elsewhere.

Desperate times call for desperate measures- We need a toilet paper registry.

Let's put the full force of the law into stopping the selfish acts of people who are so obsessed with their own bodily functions they cannot see that others need the product, too.







With the registry, a family would be unable to clear out the shelves at Walmart and then go to Walgreen and Target on the same trip.

A two-ply system would be used for enforcement.

The first offense would result in a fine, the next offense results in automatic confiscation of all toilet paper (with the humanitarian substitution of the finest tree bark).

The second offense would also result in a supervised probation system. After six months, the offender could submit a certificate of need and a judge would rule whether the offender has been able to put the toilet paper violations behind (where all good toilet paper violations belongs).

I hope the legislature takes me up on this idea, but if not, I have another one.

To handle the toilet paper emergency, retired state employees could be called back into action to man drive-through takeout facilities where you can place your order for a roll of toilet paper and get it to go.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Murrica!

Anonymous said...

You have a funny sense of humor! I like the way you think!