Paul Richardson: Just don't

It is often said, “Do what I say and not what I do.” Well, in my case you probably don’t want to even do what I say. 

For example, I have often told people that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. The results are more in your favor if you follow that philosophy. 

The problem with that becomes apparent when one realizes that I have actually applied that method to my life. While I usually consult with the good wife about major decisions, I have been known to strike out on my own, as it were, and commit to things later identified by the good wife as atrocities. The most common items are purchases of incidentals. Incidentals such as motorcycles, guns, and one Caribbean Cruise.

The cruise was supposed to be a surprise and my fulfillment of what I thought the good wife had always wanted. If someone brings things up in conversation enough times and over a period of years, I am going to assume that is something that they really want. 

It turns out that what she really wants is a scheduled meeting and an extended conversation regarding the commitment and purchase of certain items. By the way, we went on the cruise in the summer of 2018, and she had a great time, but there was a roller coaster of a ride from Christmas 2017 until we boarded in July 2018.

The security of a “man card” is dependent upon certain discretions. Unfortunately, years ago I put mine at risk and I have been watching for the hall monitors who oversee the confiscation of “man cards” to come calling. 

This all occurred when I revealed a time-honored secret. I was getting reprimanded for some irrelevant action, when the good wife asks, “Why do you continue to do all of these things?” 

I revealed one of my darkest secrets. I knew that the penalty that I would have to pay would be the same for one item or a dozen items. So, I had elected to go with efficiency and bundle all of the flagrant errors that I had committed in order for her to bear the least amount of stress. One good solid reprimand should put me on the straight and narrow.

Numerous people have commented, in my presence no less, about the good wife’s honorable and eternal patience with me. Some have even exalted her to a level deserving sainthood. But remember, she did marry me, and I believe that she was fully aware of the sign on the side of the train when she boarded.

The attempts to reform me have been elaborate and continuous for almost forty years. I would like to believe that I have resisted well, and nothing has changed other than my girth, but I am more like a frog placed in a pan of cool water and then heat was applied. 

This public revelation may well push that fluid to the boiling point. So, the moral of this story is, if I am the example which you are trying to model after, just don’t.