Being exhausted is nothing new for me. Just ask my parents or my husband and they will tell you that I seem to always be tired. Nothing medically wrong- I've checked. Yet, I seem to be eternally exhausted. Well... maybe that is an exaggeration, but I am tired. A lot. I know that reading that extra chapter doesn't help. And, I know that working on my computer past bedtime is a big 'no-no'.
I really don't think I suffer from physical exhaustion, but rather mental. I think too much. My wheels are constantly turning. Ideas are spinning around in my mind. And... I'm exhausted. There isn't enough time in the world for me to complete everything I'm thinking about. Not even half. And, then you add to it the wear and worry of day-to-day living and what do you have? One exhausted lady!
I know that worry gets me nowhere, but that doesn't stop me from being, let's say, concerned about things. When I taught public school I regularly worried about my kids. And, new teaching trends. And, new administrators. And, new laws affecting my evaluations, my income, or my retirement. I had the bases covered. If it was worry-worthy (nothing really is, by the way) it was on my mind. Even little things took up precious brain space.
Fast forward a few years and I'm still in education just a different grade level. Now, I teach adults in a private institution. Adults. Fewer things to worry about, right? Wrong. Just different things. Did I explain this well enough? Am I being fair? Why weren't they in class? What will they do when they graduate? Not my problem you might say. Okay, not all of it, but that doesn't stop me from being... concerned. Also, I'm not full time. I love that and I hate that. I love the freedom and the days off and the lack of meetings. I hate that I don't have some job security. Recent cutbacks have made me wonder what would I do if adjuncts were no longer needed. My first perky answer is,"God has always taken care of me and provided for me and He will continue to do that!" But in the back of my mind, I still wonder how He will provide for me. I've talked to enough family and friends to know that this is normal, but it is exhausting.
So, why am I exhausted? Well.. aren't you exhausted just from reading this and being reminded of your own exhaustions? Do you lie awake at night worried about students, family, bills? Do you worry about the challenges that the future will bring? Do you think of things that you need to do or want to do? Do you bolt out of bed at 3 am remembering that you didn't fix the coffee pot? If so, than you are exhausted too.
I suppose I could manage my thought process better and my time. I could work on more of a schedule and manage my time better (shh... don't tell my husband). I hate time. I don't wear a watch. Time is the thief of creativity. Sounds good. But, if I really was truthful I would admit that if I could put things in perspective and prioritize them and had more faith than I would be less tired. If I had a fix-what-I-can-fix-and-let-go-of -what-I-can't philosophy, life would be less stressful and worrisome. IF. If I had less stress and more time I wouldn't be exhausted. Or would I? I think that I would just find more to do and more to think about.
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