2013 in Review: He shot a man in Reno just to watch him die

(From May 3, 2013, this is me having some fun with my job situation, which was not very much fun. In this post, I imagined what would happen if the Joplin R-8 Administration found out about my band, Natural Disaster.)

When I stopped at Sonic about an hour ago (my social life these days), a former student of mine brought my drink and told me the story was going around Joplin High School that I was being fired because I give nickels to my students. (I do have a Cup O'Nickels that I use to reward students and at the moment it is in the floor in the front of my car until I get around to picking up the nickels that spilled out of it.)

I was happy to let her know there was no truth to that rumor, but it suddenly occurred to me, just a few hours after having a district employee deliver the latest set of charges (now up to 31 pages) against me, that I may have to repeat this process many times before my 9 a.m. Thursday, May 23, meeting at the district administration building.

And a terrifying thought occurred to me- What will happen they find about my band, Natural Disaster? After all, it performed at the December 1 benefit at East Middle School to raise money for the Joplin Fire Department's Christmas for Kids program.




I envisioned the following scenario.

"We have him now," the administrator said to her team of high-priced, taxpayer-funded attorneys. "Apparently, he let the wrong words slip while kissing persuasive lips."

"Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow," one lawyer said.

'And what about this part?" the administrator asked.

"Which one?"

"I'm going to tell you, how it's going to be. You're going to give your love to me." She shook her head. "What kind of thing is that to sing with children present? I will just bet he made them download and discuss this video."

A lawyer laughed. "We have an establishment clause violation. He's singing about 'knocking on heaven's door.' "

"Well, he's not the lead singer on that one."

"But he's in there, pushing his religion on impressionable children."

A few seconds later, there was a sound of a hand slapping the table. "Were you aware of this warden throwing a party at the county jail? And what about this part about 'if you can't find a partner use a wooden chair?" That's has to be a sexual reference.

And toward the end of the scenario, the administrator says, "Mr. Turner is far worse than we ever imagined. Did you hear him just say that he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."

"To be fair, ma'am. He did say when he hears that whistle blowing he hangs his head and cries."

"Oh, he'll hang his head and cry," the administrator said, laughing. "No one uses a Natural Disaster to take advantage of students in this school district."